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Schizophrenia-a poem. Read and comment.

Posted at 23:19 on February 10th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Dr Gumby
Posts: 268
I've posted this poem on quite a few message boards, and have attempted to enter it in a poetry contest (blast them and their 20 line limit!) Please comment and review. I've had one aunt and one friend die because of Schizophrenia, so this was sort of for them.

Quote:
Schizophrenia
Day and night, I am constantly depressed,
My burden is not broken love, but stress,
How it comes, I could not tell,
I wish it could go away, with one coin in a well.

But, alas, I am not that fortunate,
My life, I can not shorten it,
Or perhaps I can, with one twitch of a knife,
Begone with all problems in my life.

No one listens, so no one will care,
Neither the ones who intake water, nor the ones that breathe air,
For, to them, I am nothing,
Yes, to them I am just fussing.

The amount of due happiness had came to it's peak,
Of which I now have nothing to speak,
My disease isn't contagious, they don't understand,
I should just pull the trigger, and forever know the sandman.

How should I do it though,
a bullet? Too messy. A knife? no.
Perhaps I could use my bath,
die without feeling death's grasp.

Yes, that'll do, should I leave casual, or in style,
I haven't been in my formal clothes for quite a while,
My tuxedo? No, I was saving that for my cousin to wear,
But wait! Of my death or clothing, what does he care.

So the tuxedo it is, with the bath in the shower,
Perhaps it would be appropriate if I carried a flower?
Sunflower? No, I never liked those,
Maybe a rose? Yes, a rose for it's thorns.

But wait, I'm changing, my reason for being,
A new perspective I have started seeing,
The feeling of depression is slipping,
And now a warm bottle of milk I am sipping.

But someday, the disease will get me,
Yes, someday my death will free me,
How long it will take, I do not know,
But for what it's worth, I will not show.
Comments?

Edited by Da_Goat at 07:22 on February, 11th 2003
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Mock ugly people. Praise ugly goats.
Posted at 23:20 on February 10th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Master Gumby
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Cool!
Posted at 04:10 on February 11th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Reborn Gumby
Posts: 8681
That is quite.... depressing. I don't really see where this is about schizophrenia (and as far as I know, schizophrenia isn't a deadly desease really) - more about suicide... If you could elaborate on it a bit?

Edited by Mr Creosote at 12:10 on February, 11th 2003
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Now you see the violence inherent in the system!
Posted at 10:50 on February 11th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Dr Gumby
Posts: 268
Well, my aunt and friend that had schizophrenia died because they commited suicide when in a depressive personality. Also, Schizophrenia and multiple personalities run hand in hand. So, in the first part of the story, the narrator is in a depression personality. Then, in the latter two verses, the character's consious changes into that of a baby. It's hard to understand unless you've been close to a schizophrenic for a few years.

Edited by Da_Goat at 18:51 on February, 11th 2003
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Mock ugly people. Praise ugly goats.
Posted at 12:26 on February 12th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Reborn Gumby
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Poetry is always a very personal thing, not only in your case. I thought long about this, but I still don't think the title fits for me, in combination with the actual contents, it summons up connotations I don't think I agree with. Personally, I can't get any connection to this work. This is of course not a verdict about its quality, as you know very well.
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Now you see the violence inherent in the system!
Posted at 23:23 on February 12th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Dr Gumby
Posts: 268
Yes, I've gotten some posts like yours, some that were in utter awe, some that just out-right hated it, some that thought it was good, and the best kind were the ones that commented on my writing style and then gave me tips. Oh well.
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Mock ugly people. Praise ugly goats.
Posted at 08:15 on February 13th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Retired Gumby
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I've always found the rhyming meter sort of corny.
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Keep your stick on the ice
Posted at 14:46 on February 13th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Dr Gumby
Posts: 268
I've never gotten the knack of not rhyming in poetry, though I like reading non-rhyming poetry better. I'm not exactly sure why this is so, but, it just is....
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Mock ugly people. Praise ugly goats.
Posted at 04:05 on March 19th, 2003 | Quote | Edit | Delete
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Pupil Gumby
Posts: 19
Yes I also think the title doesn't fit.
But to me that isn't a big deal.
But..I don't LIKE the title. It's like
giving the answer before asking the question,
and maybe even the wrong answer.

Anyway, I like your poem. I don't like your poem.
You did a good job on all these nice english words I could never have thought of, and the rhyming is excellent. But I don't like rhyming.

It's nice that it 'open's up' a bit at the end, but I think it's really depressing. Not really something for this board anyway.

Keep on writing poems!
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